Welcome back to The Madness of Rishi Sunak. It's week two on the campaign and things are just as batshit crazy as they've always been. Let's kick off by just going over a few bits and bobs from last Sunday, because after I published, the madness kept coming.
In a shocking twist that surprised absolutely no one, Rishi Sunak made a grand entrance in Harrow East, ostensibly to mingle with "ordinary" diners. Cue the gasps, the photo ops, the carefully curated candid moments. But hold onto your scones, because here's the kicker: there wasn't a single "ordinary" diner in sight.
Yes, you read that right. This was no ordinary night out at the local pub. The room was packed tighter than a sardine can with Conservative councillors, staffers, and Rishi himself, all smiling like Cheshire cats. Every single person in the photo op belonged to the Tory clan. Not one wayward commoner or rogue voter to spoil the scene.
Picture this: a room full of Conservatives, not a hint of dissent or diversity of thought. Just a sea of blue, each one more conservative than the last. Imagine the conversation topics: tax cuts, Brexit reminiscing, and how to look relatable while wearing a suit worth more than most people's monthly rent.
The scene was a perfect blend of Stepford Wives meets Downton Abbey, with Rishi as the benevolent overlord, graciously mingling with his loyal subjects. And what better way to showcase your connection with the average Joe than by surrounding yourself exclusively with political allies? It's the ultimate echo chamber where everyone nods approvingly at your every word.
So, hats off to Rishi for this masterstroke in political theatre. It takes real skill to stage an event with such precision that not even a single stray plebeian can sneak into the frame. It's a reassuring sight, really, knowing our leaders are so in touch with the people who already agree with them. One can only hope the next surprise visit might actually surprise us, too.
Next up we revisit Sunak's new favourite shit policy, National Service. Which late Sunday night after a day of avoiding saying what would happen if young people refused to comply, the Tories suggested that they could make National Service completion a requirement to be hired in a public service role.
Never mind that we've a shortage of nurses, Doctors, Police etc. Let's invent a stupid arse reason to narrow the candidate pool even further. By the time Rishi's done, the only folk eligible to be Nurses or Doctors will be Tory MPs, which is unlikely since 90% of them don't know what a job is.
That brings us to the end of Sunday, we can actually now start THIS week. And it's… well it's just as ridiculous as you'd imagine.
We start with latest hot take from the Tories suggesting fining young adults who dodge national service. And who, you ask, will be footing the bill for these fines? Why, their parents, of course!
Wait, what? Aren't we all legally adults at eighteen? Free from the shackles of parental control, able to vote, marry, drive, buy a house, join a cult, or even sell pictures of our feet on OnlyFans? Yet here we are, with the Tories running to your mum and dad if you don't toe the line.
Isn't this the party that despises the Nanny State?
According to the Tories, this brilliant policy is all about teaching young people responsibility and prepping them for adulthood. (Quick counterpoint: Isn't that the entire purpose of school? And if it's failing, isn't that the government's fault?) But if the aim is to guide young adults into the mature world, running to their parents whenever they step out of line seems like a backwards approach, doesn't it?
And let's not overlook the pièce de résistance: the volunteering component of this national service is unpaid. So now we have young adults, unable to hold a steady job because every few weeks they have to participate in this compulsory labour, resulting in no income and living off the state. This makes them even more dependent on their parents to help them get by, which is exactly what this policy claims to be combating.
Absolutely ludicrous.
Keir Starmer aptly dubbed it a "Teenage Dad's Army," capturing the sheer absurdity of this sitcom-worthy proposal. Just picture it: a ragtag group of teenagers, conscripted into unpaid service, with their parents' wallets held hostage for every slip-up. It's the stuff of Monty Python, but sadly, it's political reality if the Tories win this election
So here we are, staring at a policy that doesn't just miss the mark—it lands three miles to the side, directly in some poor old blokes' hedge. It proposes to teach responsibility by shifting responsibility away from the young adults and onto their parents. It's almost as if the Tories gathered in a room and asked, "What's the stupidest way we can handle this?" And Ben the intern said “Ooh! I Know!’
The irony is rich, the logic is nonexistent, and the impact? Well, that's going to be one expensive lesson in government folly
Steve Baker, Tory MP for Robots, called out the policy, which he insists he had nothing to do with.
Fiiight!
And then they published a little FAQ about exemptions and boy, does it confirm our worst fears about this bottle of unfiltered piss.
I
Steve Baker's rebellion will come back… so put a pin in that. Next up we had an email leak from CCHQ. This is a fucking bizarre one.
According to a leaked memo, yes another one, Tory MPs and Candidates seem to have misplaced their fervour for campaigning, Aww diddums. And the bosses are not happy!
See, the email sent out to all candidates had an attachment - A list of constituencies with what appeared to be “sanitised” comments.
“Somerset North: Candidate needs more funds”
“More leaflets for Little Cock-in-Bottom”
Etc.
But there was also a second attachment. Dun dun duuuuun.
The second attachment included the unfiltered, unedited comments intended for internal HQ use. Whoops.
It's bad. Let me tell you now, it's really bad. It certainly seems like Tory HQ is not a fan of their own candidates, because they were not friendly.
They accused candidates of refusing to knock on doors, of leaving for a holiday, they even blamed one candidate's absence on a their ill wife, in case you thought maybe some Tories had hearts…
According to The Times, which broke the story,
“One MP accused CCHQ of “rank incompetence” in sending out the comments. Another said: “Great way to start a campaign, piss everyone in marginal seats off in the first week.””
You may think of the Tories as swimming in cash like Scrooge McDuck, but not so. In numerous instances, a simple lack of cash was flagged. For instance, in Bury North, situated in Greater Manchester and represented by James Daly, the party's deputy chairman, it was noted that there were “low funds, circa £2k, met with donors but so far no donations”
I cannot tell you how much the idea of the Tories, party of rich toffs and toffettes, is running out of money, pleases me. Hehehe.
In Plymouth, seat of professional wankstain Johnny Mercer who has more attitude than a middle aged Bart Simpson on ketamine, staffers called out Mr Mercer for non co-operation.
Mercer of course recently wrote a memo of Shakespearean proportions, announcing that he be severely vex’d at the constant arrival of that pusillanimous Lord of the Manor Rishi Sunak, forsooth.
I think CCHQ was a bit harsh, to be honest. Given that a good 80% of them are about to lose their jobs, it's not surprising that morale is low. Besides, it's one thing to bitch about your colleagues in an internal memo (it's still awful, don't do it) but to then accidentally email that memo to everyone is a new kind of incompetence.
I have to wonder whether Tory Staffers are having a contest as to who can cause the biggest cock up each day. Because this is just the latest shitstain on a very pooey campaign so far.
Harvey Whitby, leader of the Birmingham Young Conservatives, announced his defection to the Liberal Democrats. He cited the National Service policy as the final straw, but implied that the farcical nature of Sunak's campaign had led him to this decision.
Actual current Tory MP for Telford, Lucy Allen, who is standing down at the election, clearly decided “Fuck It” and openly endorsed the Reform Candidate in her seat. Given the Tories are currently leaking votes to Reform like a pot with a crack in it, this is pretty huge.
Parliament dissolved on Thursday (now in the past as you read this) but until then Lucy is still a conservative MP. One wonders if they'll bother withdrawing the whip/expelling her. Or just let it slide, let's be honest the Tory party currently has more pressing issues - like the total collapse of their campaign.
Update! She's now left the Tory party. A disagreement has erupted between the Party and Allen, they claim to have suspended her membership, she claims she resigned. I wonder who's lying? Who cares? Absolute shambles. They can't even run their own party, why in fuck’s name would we let them run the shitting country?
Steve Baker, told you he'd be back, caused a fuss by revealing he's missing the campaign at the moment because he's on holiday in Greece. Apparently, he took Rishi at his word that there'd be no early election, and was not about to alter his plans when it turned out Rishi was talking out his arse.
Good on him.
Okay okay, it's shit on his constituents, it's rude and disrespectful. But you get the impression from his tone that he doesn't expect to be re-elected and so is just doing whatever he fancies, don't forget he also called out the National Service policy and bizzare crap… he did so in a blog post he wrote from Greece. Classy.
And just as the day ended, another headache for Rishi Sunak as the Information Commissioner's office (whatever that is) overruled the treasury and ordered them to release a report which secretly analysed the effect of removing the £20-a-week universal credit uplift during COVID.
From The Mirror,
“Last summer the Treasury refused to release any analysis of ending the support when requested by the Mirror. They argued it would "not be in the public interest due to the harm it would cause to policy development and delivering for welfare benefit claimants
But in a decision notice - sent to The Mirror just hours before the General Election was called - the ICO ordered the Treasury to publish the information "within 30 calendar days". It means the Government has until June 21 to publish the details - just two weeks before the country heads to the polls.".
Yes, this means a report which most likely exposed the damage and misery this government caused hundreds of thousands of people… will be released mere days before the vote. Clearly Keir Starmer's Genie has gone rogue and abandoned the three wish limit.
Next a leaked memo from inside Tory HQ has revealed up to 100 Tory Candidates could lose, solely due to the rise in support for reform. Now, reluctant to celebrate this, the choice between the Tories and Reform is like deciding whether you want to engage in sadism with the zombified remains of Margaret Thatcher or Enoch Powell, at the end of the day you're still flogging a dead Tory.
But the takeaway from this leak is clear, the Tories are panicking, and they're now in full defensive mode. Expect them to start playing a lot lot dirtier.
Next, Sunak gave a speech to BBC News. Well, he tried to. He ended up giving the speech with his back to the cameras to a group of very uninterested looking workers.
Meanwhile, in Gloucester, Conservative campaigners were caught stealing Labour Party leaflets out of someone's letter box. Yes Lionel, I'm sure if you steal the leaflet, the homeowner will have no choice but to vote for you.
Next up, Mark Logan, who had been the Tory MP and presumptive Conservative Candidate for Bolton North announced he had quit the conservative party and joined labour. The Tories can't even stop defections when parliament isn't sitting! This is his resignation letter:
Sunak was confronted by a young man, naturally Sunak assumed the fellow was a fan looking for a selfie.
“No,” said the young man, “I was wondering why you hate young people.”
Ouch.
And it's not just Sunak that's had a disastrous week. Over in Wales, the Welsh Tory Campaign Launch had less punters than a village pub on a Monday night.
On Friday, an MRP was published by Electoral Calculus which predicts the Tories winning just 66 seats. This would put them only 7 seats ahead of the liberal Democrats and provide Labour a majority so big, they could split down the middle and form their own opposition.
On Saturday a poll on how voters think the first week of campaigning was released. Safe to say it was pretty conclusive.
In conclusion, shit week for Rishi. Bye.
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