Welcome, dear readers, to this round up of election campaign carnival from our soon to be Ex-Prime Minister Rishi Sunak. At time if writing, it's day five of the election campaign, and Sunak has already cocked up so many times I felt compelled to start a blog/running commentary sending up the sheer number of gaffs and mistakes our valiant leader has committed.
Rishi Sunak's campaign to be re-elected, so far, has been massive pile of improperly digested poo from the moment he stepped out uncovered into the Downing Street downpour. Here's what you may have missed...
ANNOUNCEMENT DAY: A COMEDY OF ERRORS
First off, Sunak decided to surprise his cabinet by asking the King for an election *before* giving them a heads-up. Surprise! 🥳Because why be serious when you can treat calling an election like Boris Johnsons cake ambush?! He then summoned them back for a meeting where the main agenda was basically, "Deal with it."
Next, he promised the mother of Martyn Hett, a victim of the Manchester bombing, that he'd pass a bill in her son's honor. All the while, he knew full well he was just about to call an election. What a lying prick.
In a stroke of genius, he delivered his announcement speech outside in the torrential rain. By the end, he was soaked through, looking wetter than Chris Pincher at the Carlton Club.
For the soundtrack of his grand proclamation, he was provided by protesters "Things Can Only Get Better," a Blairite/Prof. Brian Cox classic. Irony if ever I've seen it. Nothing screams "I've done well" like a song implying the only direction left is up.
And to top it all off, Sky News’ Darren McCaffrey was physically ejected from the Tory campaign launch. Yes, you read that right. They had actual bouncers remove a journalist. Because who needs good press when you can have a spectacle?
And all this lunacy happened on the very day the election was called.
CAMPAIGN DAY ONE: A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS.
First up, Sunak dropped the bombshell that there will be no Rwanda flights before the election. That’s right, his grand plan to solve the immigration crisis is now on hold. Because, why not start your campaign by admitting failure?
Next, remember that shiny new Smoking Bill he was so proud of in his election announcement? Cancelled. Poof. Gone. Apparently, it was just another empty promise. Who saw that coming?
And the pièce de résistance: fielding questions at a biscuit factory. But here’s the twist – those "factory workers" grilling him were actually two Tory councillors in disguise. Because nothing says "man of the people" like staging your own support.
CAMPAIGN DAY TWO: THE HITS KEEP COMING (This is a very... very long one.)
So, at the last count, 75 Tory MPs have thrown in the towel, deciding they’d rather do literally anything else than stand in this election. That, by the way is already equal to the number who stood down in 1997, and set to rise even more in the coming days. The rumour is that so many Tory MPs plan on stepping down, Tory HQ has had to ask them to stagger it to avoid it looking like an exodus. Among them is Craig MacKinley, who heroically returned to the Commons after having his hands and feet amputated due to sepsis. He’s not standing because Sunak called an election too early in his recovery. Timing is everything, right?
Next, Sunak demanded he and Keir Starmer engage in SIX TV debates over five weeks. Starmer agreed to the usual two, because apparently he thinks we have better things to do, like watching football. The Tories, however, are spinning this as Keir being a coward, when in reality, he’s just sparing us six extra hours of political bickering.
The Tory master plan to close the polling gap? Run a presidential-style campaign with a leader whose personal ratings are in the toilet at -51. How’s that working out on day two? Not great. The latest poll, taken after the election announcement, has them sitting at a miserable 19%. Oof.
Back to those six debates: Conservative Party HQ thinks this is a winning strategy. What does it say about your record when your best attack is, “Our opponent wants two debates instead of six”? Careful what you wish for, Rish - We’ve seen you at PMQs.
Breaking News! In a dazzling display of political incompetence, the Renter's Bill has met a tragic demise during an overzealous clean-up operation. Key reforms like the no-fault eviction ban? Poof, gone. Rent caps? Vanished into thin air. And let’s not forget Sunak’s pièce de résistance, the Smoking Bill - the cornerstone of his election announcement, the very jewel in his legislative crown... As I already aluded to, Canceled. ✖️
That’s right, folks, Rishi's legacy has gone up in smoke. (Pun intended.)
Our leading man, Rishi Sunak, is apparently shocked – yes, shocked – that a hasty two-day Commons wrap-up resulted in utter chaos. Who could have possibly seen that coming?Fear not, dear readers, for Labour has swooped in like a caped crusader, pledging to resurrect the smoking ban when they take office. Alas, Sunak's grand legacy shall now be emblazoned with a Labour logo. Boo hoo, indeed.
Rishi decided to give a big speech kicking off the public faced part of his campaign. For this majestic moment, he picked the Titanic Quarter in Belfast. It didn't take long for the "Sinking Ship" comparisons. This is after yesterday when he visited a brewery, raising questions about his piss-up organising abilities. One genuinely has to wonder if his campaign manager is an undercover labour MP.
But the day two hijinks, sadly for my social life, do not end there dear reader!
Ex-Tory MP Julian Knight gave his valedictorian speech. He was kicked out of the party after accusations for sexual misconduct, but was not welcomed back when cleared of all charges. I'm not going to comment on the accusations and their veracity, the police chose neither to charge or even interview him but that doesn't necessarily make him innocent. He gave a venemous speech tearing into his former party.
Here's a partial transcript, because a short quote does not do this justice...
Mr Deputy speaker. Up until December of 2022, I would have encouraged anyone to become a member of parliament
Sadly I would not do so now, due to the toxicity of this working environment.
Mr Deputy speaker, be assured at this junction, I will be careful, as there is an ongoing wide-ranging criminal investigation into conspiracy to pervert the course of justice, fraud and forgery Inc moving multiple individuals.
Against all precedent, in December 2022, I was named in connection to an allegation by the conservative party.
Why was I named, when multiple members who have actually been arrested, have not been named? A special case was made for me.
I believe, Mr Deputy Speaker, it was for the following reasons.
Firstly, pressure from members, over my work as combatting racism at Yorkshire county cricket club.
It is no coincidence, in my view, that this occured three days prior to Mr Rafik giving evidence once again, in front of the committee, in which he testified as to the exact same dirtying of his name as I have faced over the past two years.
It was exactly the same modus operandi, Mr Deputy Speaker.
Secondly, I lack friends in high places.
I played a major role in the current PM failing to win the leadership.
In addition I made two complaints, to separate chief whips, about drunken bullying and harassment by a government whip.
All I wanted, Mr Deputy Speaker, was for an apology, and for it to stop.
This bullying was witnessed by an independent female friend, who has supplied an affidavit which is currently with the police, in order for them to take action.
What is more, I whistle blew on two occasions over islamaphobia and racism that I'd seen in my party and nothing was done.
In fact, one of the culprits is standing at the next election.
And finally, I think they wanted to make an example of me. They'd had their fingers burnt by the issues with Mr. Pincher, and the new Prime Minister wanted to be seen to be getting tough, regardless of the fact that I had told the whips office about the allegation back in February and I kept them informed throughout that time until my suspension.
When I was cleared by the Met Police without an interview, I became aware of a horrendous campaign of lies, emanating from certain people within my own party.
A boycott was arranged of my select committee, and I felt compelled to resign.
Friends were pressured to drop their association with me.
There is an allegation by the byline times that the investigation which was closed by the Met, was moved to Essex at the behest of government ministers.
This is utterly unprecedented.
I think being cleared by the police so quickly after they took the unprecedented step of naming me, was deemed a serious political embarrassment and the cultures were already circling around my seat.
Honourable members know exactly who they are.
The full speech is available here: https://www.facebook.com/share/v/rEfbuWFRvSRjU1f9/ TW: Suicide.
Back in Belfast, in addition to their shortsightedness in choice of Titanic themed venue, Sunak's team manage to give the press the wrong address... Twice. They also allow THIS photo to be published.
I'm seriously beginning to wonder if they're trying to lose.
It is still day two.
Former leader of the Scottish conservatives Ruth Davidson puts it perfectly...
By the end of the day, not one but 4 polls had been published, with leads for labour governments between 18 and 26 points.
CAMPAIGN DAY THREE: SUNAK'S ARMY.
Little Rish is feeling a bit worn out today, so he's decided to call it quits early. Yep, just three days in and he's packed his bags and buggered off home.
So, in his absence, I present to you a late night addition from yesterday: Rishi Sunak, quite literally rebuilding the Red Wall. Behold, the epitome of political symbolism...
*Cue dramatic sigh.*
Apparently, Rishi's day off wasn't entirely uneventful. The Guardian caught wind of his little escapade, so he hopped into his private chopper for a quick jaunt to Wimbledon to pretend he's still campaigning. But really, nothing else happened. Honestly...I think... Oh god, wait, what now?!
Oh for fuck's - Damn it! Just when I thought day three would be a snore fest, the Tories pull out the big guns: National Service is back, baby!
Got a rebellious teenager? Why not send them off to war for a year! Wahey!
Seriously though... Are they trying to hemorrhage votes as fast as humanly possible? What on earth is happening?!
So, the deal is that teenagers can choose between full-time military service or a weekend a month of volunteering. I wonder who's snapping up those cushy volunteering gigs because I can't quite picture Tarquin Tittyfart Jr. in combat boots.
And how are they funding this £2.5-billion-per-year escapade? With money earmarked for the levelling up fund, naturally! Because who needs urban regeneration when we can arm little Johnny and send him off to face Hamas? Boris Johnson, the sentient mix of Walrus Cum and Custard, must be fucking fuming as Sunak abandons his signature policy of the 2019 election in order to bring back conscription, which was abolished in the fucking Sixties.
Rishi, you just couldn't resist, could you? You couldn't have one day without doing something utterly bonkers.
This policy is clearly designed to appeal to Daily Mail readers and Reform Party voters, but... Well, let's see how that pans out, shall we?
Yes, unsurprisingly even the most gammony of Daily Mail readers don't like the idea of sending their own grandkids off to join the army.
Finally, let me make one thing really fucking clear Rishi...
There's no such thing as mandatory volunteering. That's just slavery, you slimy cunt.
CAMPAIGN DAY FOUR: BACK IN TIME
So today Rishi sent his Home Secretary James Cleverley (His name being winner of the Alanis Morissette Award for Irony) to try and explain the batshit crazy policy to revive national service.
Fear not! We're not shipping all your kids off to war after all. Sort of. It turns out the kiddywinks will have a choice!
Join the armed forces for one year on a full commission. This is paid, but only available to 30k teenagers per year.
Agree to "Mandatory Volunteering" for one weekend every month.
Now lets look at the problems with this stellar plan, shall we?
One the one hand you can volunteer for one weekend a month, doesn’t sound to bad does it? Except it’s not really voluntary because it’s a legal requirement, oh and it’s not paid so it’s essentially forced labour, oh and if don’t have the money to give up a quarter of your weekends then this option isn’t really viable.
What it does is create a class divide. For the rich who can afford to not to work, and instead just spend one weekend a month helping out, it’s fine.
But for those who need an income, those who can’t afford to give up time for free. The young parents, the students, the children of poverty, there will be no choice but to join the Army. Yes, some will get nice commissions in Cyber or Security… others will not be so lucky. And what happens if we end up at war? 30,000 deprived kids are shipped off to get shot at whilst the rich stay at home and volunteer at Oxfam for 6 hours a month.
Never mind the fact that the armed forces DO NOT WANT national service. The whole reason it ended in the sixties was because conscripted soldiers make terrible soldiers. They don’t want to be there.
Hell, even Sunak’s own defence minister, Dr Andrew Murrison, rejected this policy LAST WEEK!
“If potentially unwilling national service recruits were obliged to serve alongside the professional men and women of our armed forces, it could damage morale, recruitment, and retention and would consume professional military and naval resources,”
Murrison Said,
“If, on the other hand, national service recruits were kept in separate units, it would be difficult to find a proper and meaningful role for them, potentially harming motivation and discipline.”
Back to Cleverley, he couldn’t answer the simple question of what would happen if teenagers simply refused to comply. He said we weren’t talking about imprisonment, but wouldn’t commit to fines, or any other type of punishment. It’s clear why. This policy will never happen. It is designed to appeal to a very specific demographic, the Reform voting, GBNews watching, Daily Mail reading demographic. And it fails even at that.
Nigel Farage, king of the Gammon people, ridiculed the policy, saying that national service, which he’s broadly in favour of, should be targeted at specific young people who lack British values (Read Muslims… no seriously, he literally said he meant muslims.)
Comment sections are buzzing with hatred for the policy. For moderate conservatives, the thought of the state stepping in and forcing teenagers to commit to service seems abhorrent. To right-wing extremists, the policy is neither targeted on the particular people they dislike, nor does it go far enough.
The worst of both worlds. It seems this policy, like everything the Tories have done this week, has been ill thought out, ill prepared, and batshit crazy.
I’ll see you next week.
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